odd mood

lots of people asked me today and the day before if I was okay. which I found to be odd. I mean, I'm not particularly NOT okay...i just feel....odd.

The way I described it was that my head and body felt all buzzy. I don't know how else to describe it. I imagine it's sort of what restless leg syndrome feels like only in your brain and your whole body.

I imagine that this has a heck of a lot to do with classes finishing up and me not quite being ready for that. But there's probably a little bit of that that has to do with wedding-ness and all of the stuff that goes along with that.

Sometimes I get all existential and think about my reality versus what I imagine other people imagine is my reality. You know...like I think about what people must think about my life versus how my life has played out. And I wonder if there is a disconnect. In some ways, with some people, I KNOW there is a disconnect. And I wish there were an easier way to bridge that gap. but sometimes that feels selfish.

Like today, I know I was in a weird mood from my conversation with ma last night. Again, not particularly bad but also not particularly good. And people continue to ask if I'm okay. which leads to a couple of things for me.
1. If this is what I'm like in a weird mood and people notice...what am I like in an un-weird mood that people identify with more? In other words, what makes me seem normal?
and 2. How and am I able to truly convey the meaning of the oddness without seeming like I'm digging for something in particular? Can I say that it's because of this seemingly random happenstance of my family discussing my father/my mother's life story without me there and I'm still struggling with it? (I know I CAN say that...) but can I say it in a way that doesn't sound purposefully vague or like I'm fishing for questions? Because that's what it sounds like to me..and I don't want to sound like that. I'm also not opposed to answering questions. It's a strange predicament.

but yeah. so that's the strange mood I'm in. compounded with school work, it seems stressful. And yet, I blog. Oh life.

Fair Warning: This will be a political blog

So the government is approximately 4 and a half hours away from a shut down. That says something about the place we're in. When we've become too stubborn and ideological to see logical compromises. While my heart hurts because of the repercussions this shut down will have for minority and underprivileged populations, I think that this could be the reality check that 'Merica needs.

I think this could be the opportunity to show that, as a matter of fact, we aren't "hot shit," if you know what I mean. We aren't World Saviors, we aren't Better Than Everyone, we aren't Democracy Leaders because, you know what, our current leaders don't know what democracy means. A bold statement, I know, but in some ways it's true. There's this ethnocentric assumption that because we are born in the supposed "Land of the Free" that we automatically operate under democratic assumptions and ideals but that's really not true. These are things that we have to be taught and we have to learn how to execute. And with textbook reforms and muddled lessons in civics because of necessary budget cuts to education - we might never have the opportunity to learn how to do that.

We also assume that because we live in a "democratic society" that we are the world leaders and the teachers of democracy. But let's be honest, how many people in this country are well-versed and have experience in starting a democratic society? None. Because WE didn't start this democratic society. It was started 250ish years ago by people who WEREN'T politicians and who WERE humble. They probably wouldn't have accepted $100,000 (or the equivalent at that time) while their military and the rest of the country couldn't pay rent and buy groceries because their pay has been frozen.

They probably also wouldn't have placed the federal budget into an ideological stalemate. Because you know what the founders of this country were good at? (Hint: it's not Christianity) - They were really good at compromise. And real compromise...not that one party folds. Remember when we had people like the "Great Compromiser" - Henry Clay who fought hard to ensure that everyone got a little bit of what they wanted? Who is that guy now? Oh right. He doesn't exist.

So perhaps we need to understand that we fail stuff, too. Let's lay off the gays for supposedly ruining marriage and the Muslims for practicing religion freely in a country where freedom of/from religion/religious persecution was the founding principle and acknowledge that, oh hey, sometimes the white straight male folks (and some white straight females) ain't so great, huh? Because the white. straight, male/female folks are giving themselves a pay check while preventing those women from protecting themselves, preventing clean air from even having a chance to exist in our beloved country, and preventing free thought from being thunk, and if that's democracy...it sucks. A lot.

I'm grateful for the freedoms I have. I'm grateful that I can say these things without fear of persecution. I'm grateful I'm a woman who has had the opportunity to go to school (heavily relying on Federal loans, yes). But just because I'm grateful for my state of being, that doesn't mean I'm happy and complacent with the state of being for others. Because that's what being a social worker means: acknowledging the privilege that you possess but not being content with that privilege because SOMEONE ELSE didn't have that opportunity. AND THAT'S NOT FAIR. THAT'S NOT JUSTICE. THAT'S NOT FREEDOM. It is my responsibility to create fairness, justice, and freedom  in every way I can...even if that is just words on an infrequently read blog.